Insights in Developing Partnerships for Change: Go With The Flow Of The River
“Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts.” Arnold Bennett
When our community created a systems map around trauma and healing, we met with a close mentor who worked in state government. They asked about our vision and the future we’d envisioned on our systems map.
We shared with the mentor about the mission we and other community members desired to accomplish. This mission included large-scale shifts away from current punitive responses to trauma and the behaviors associated with coping with trauma and stress (aggression, violence, substance use, etc.), and instead a move towards healing, restorative, skill-building responses. Our mentor’s face strained and seemed to pull against itself. Without speaking, it seemed to say, “I see the river and I’m trying to throw some pebbles into it to make some ripples. You see the river and you want to completely change the direction of the water and make it flow in the other direction.”
This is a normal response. The aspirations of our community often cause tension, pain and frustration for anyone who wants quick, fast, low-to-no cost, visible, large-scale change. Why is this? Why are we so resistant to putting in the work toward positive change?
Understanding The River
The experience with this mentor was our first introduction to the concept of the river. Rivers are the vital lifeblood of our world. They are the source of freshwater for almost all living creatures on Earth. They carry and distribute important salts and nutrients to support plant and animal life. Rivers are the source of economic prosperity for humans, who organize and build economic hubs and cities along the largest waterways. Often, rivers control the flow of resources and prosperity.
In nature, we need rivers. And when it comes to our social support system, we need our metaphorical rivers to flow in much different ways than they are currently flowing.
Here at ROI, our long term aspirations are to totally change the present reality of our rivers. The more we lead with this vision, especially when interacting with leaders who control resources, the more we alienate and isolate people from wanting to be part of this vision. Getting people to understand our goals and join our movement is difficult, but the river metaphor also helps us understand how to press forward in a way that will make people want to follow.
Go With The Flow Of The River
Simply put: change is no fun. Most of us will do anything we can to avoid having to change. This is great news for those who want to maintain the status quo, but it’s also a reality check that needs to be understood by anyone who wants to make lasting, positive change.
Here’s the lesson we’ve learned.* The best way to engage with anyone you are seeking to change (yourself included) is to go with the flow of the river.
A river forms from water moving from a higher elevation to a lower elevation, all due to gravity. When rain falls on the land, it flows downhill into rivers and lakes, on its journey towards the seas. Rivers flow through beds that are carved slowly, over long periods of time.
It takes an unimaginably large effort, sometimes near impossible, to change the flow of a river. Casting a vision this big and ambitious can scare people and cause people to naturally constrict their bodies and imaginations to what is possible.
Again, the answer is to go with, not against, the existing flow of the river. Begin your interaction by seeking to understand from the other person which way they see the river flowing. Seek to understand their goals. Only once you have listened, clarified, and confirmed your understanding of how they see the river flowing, then you can share your aspirations for how you can build upon and extend their goals. Seek to position yourself and organization as an enhancer of their pre-existing goals. You can improve any of the following (or all of them):
- The speed at which they will accomplish their already existing goals
- The quality/improved outcomes they could gain if they partner with you to reach their already existing goals
- The cost/effort it will require to reach their already existing goals
Your job isn’t to change people in the beginning of the relationship. Your goal is to understand which way the river is flowing and go with the flow. Follow their lead. If you’re lucky, through building a relationship in this way, you can work to create shared experiences that lead people to experience your aspirational vision of the future and what is possible.
Comparing Approaches: Going With or Against The River
Look at the two different approaches below. Compare the results of each approach.
Going against the flow of the river | Going with the flow of the river |
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Avoid the fatal flaw, which is beginning interactions by going against the flow of the river, not with it, or by seeking to sell, talk first, and listen second.
Instead, frame your work, goals and aspirations with however the river is already flowing. People are empowered to go where the existing energy, focus, and bright spots already exist. This allows people to see any new initiative deeply in line with their already existing goals, instead of one more thing on their never-ending to-do list, instead of something that is outside and separate from their already existing hopes and aspirations.
This is a simple concept. The difficulty comes from the habit and consistency of always engaging with people and groups in a way that goes with the flow of the river. Great results come from small, tiny habits, repeated consistently over time.
Go with the flow of the river. Onwards, my friend.
